by Peter James
“I have been married for 20 years. My wife just told me that she has never experienced an orgasm when we were together, but she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I don’t know what to think. I love my wife, but she’s been hiding this from me for more than 20 years! Why wouldn’t she just tell me?”
A lot of women fake orgasm. Some women in their 40’s or 50’s have been faking with their husbands for the entire duration of their marriages. Almost every woman has faked it at least a time or two. Which means that almost every man has experienced a woman orgasming who wasn’t…
Why do women fake?
Some do it to avoid disappointing their partner. Some women wish to avoid continued intercourse, and fake orgasm to bring things to a conclusion. A lot of women are given the message that they are “less than” women if they do not have an orgasm. Some women realize that their partner is really trying and want to reward his efforts even though they didn’t come.
Some women are afraid of damaging their partner’s ego… Let’s face it, some men DO feel mighty sensitive if his partner doesn’t come.
Can a man tell if a woman fakes an orgasm?
The best way to tell if a woman has faked an orgasm is by the way she acts afterwards. Women usually take a couple minutes to “come down” after good sex and an orgasm. If the woman you’re with is immediately peppy and full of energy, she might be faking it.
Most women like to cuddle after sex, but a woman who does not orgasm often does not feel as cuddly. In fact, she’s often rather energetic at a time where all that energy does not make sense - right after you made love. She may want to make coffee, or do a little cleaning. She will not feel close with you, and she won’t feel relaxed.
As sexual tension builds, so does adrenaline. When we orgasm, the body releases chemicals that relax the tension. That is why men often fall asleep, and women seem dazed and dreamy right afterwards. A man or woman who has felt sexual tension build and has not experienced release will still be under the influence of the adrenaline.
“Was it good for you?”
Paradoxically enough, if you’re not sure if your partner really came, and you ask her “honey, was it good for you?”, you will often only irritate her. Even worse would be to ask her “Did you come?” We all like to feel that our partners are paying attention to what we’re feeling and experiencing in sex.
It is harder to read women because their orgasms do not include ejaculation - no woman needs to ask “honey, did you come?” because she knows he did.
Although communication is the key to resolving this situation, it often never gets addressed.
For one thing, a lot of men are very sensitive about their bedroom skills, and are likely to respond with defensiveness or anger when told that their partner did not orgasm.
These men often either blame the woman (”you’re not woman enough”) or simply make sure she knows that it isn’t his fault by making regrettable statements (”my OTHER partners had no complaints”).
If your partners are comfortable enough with you, you can determine more of what they really feel. But if you want your partners to trust you enough to communicate, you must be careful not to belittle or blame. Remember that it is harder for a woman to achieve orgasm, and that this is not your fault. Most likely she does not think it is your fault, either. She just feels sort of let down.
What can I do?
You can make yourself an accessible person to your partners. Make sure that you never say insulting or belittling things to them. You can simply tell them that you DO care how they feel but you cannot always tell if they have had an orgasm.
Let them know that you will be more than happy to do whatever will make it easier to come, and that if they don’t fake it, it would help you to know what they do and don’t like. Point out that if they DO fake it, and if you can’t tell, it doesn’t mean you don’t care but it DOES mean that you won’t know.
If it’s something as simple as taking more time, you’re home free. Just extend the foreplay.
If it’s that she needs a different position, or only experiences orgasms with oral sex, that is certainly something you can work on.
Always let your partners know that you want them to experience as much pleasure as you do,
and that you would like to know what you do that feels good, or that they don’t care for. Let
them know that you won’t have hurt feelings, and it will help you to please them.
If a woman you’re with fakes it after you have sincerely communicated this to her, it is her issue and not anything to do with you.
If you find sex a way to share and communicate pleasure, and your partners know this, it should be good every time, even if one of you doesn’t always orgasm.
Thanks to The Ultimate Sex Guide for this article.
